Again, sorry for the short post, but, I have to get my ass moving so that the apartment can be respectable when my brother brings over his new girlfriend.

Go figure, huh? My mom having to deal with new girlfriends of all three of her children.

Blah, blah, blah.

Same shit different day.

Melissa at Petrillo Thursday. Until then, I'll be working, working, cleaning, doing laundry, and working.

But something interesting is brewing up in front of me right now. I'd love to see where it goes.

It will take some time, but, if it's real, I'd be game. So game.

Okay, so, here was my weekend.

Saturday night, I went to a great party, had an awesome time, don't remember part of it (due to the amount of alcohol I had), and, had a more sick sort of fun getting to work Sunday morning.

D and I got to the party around 8:30. We were there til midnight. Great company made for a great time, and, I got to meet a few new people and see a few others again.

*Intermission-Those Boost Mobile commercials are funny in a sick way, very funny in a very sick way.*

So, I finally got home around 1:30 (after a long drive and a pit stop at an Arby's). I got up at 5am when my alarm went off, still drunk. By the time I got out of the shower, I was sobering up, and, when I pulled up in front of work, my hangover was kicking in. Sad part is that I did the job faster than just about every other person in the department could completely sober. Sad.

The parade was good. I wore a SpongeBob Squarepants t-shirt that got me a whole bunch of attention, and, I made sure that I left with beads. Even though I had to buy them.

Now, I hopefully will be off to the Petrillo Shell this Thursday to see Melissa perform. Rockin'.

Now, I'm off to send a couple of emails, then, to browse the blogs I regularly stalk.

Okay, I'm working on another long-winded, and, if I may say so, brilliant post. Presumptious? Maybe, but, I can dream. I can dream about that and winning the 170+ million dollars in the mega millions drawing tonight. I walked half a mile to buy a ticket (not having a car sucks), but, I got to put in over a mile of walking today. My timing is getting better too. With pit stops and all, I walked for almost an hour today. No power walking for me, I was out enjoying this weather; beautiful day, indeed.

I just wanted to check in with my whole two or three fans out there, and, to leave a note saying that I have more plans this weekend. I have an appointment with a party tomorrow night, despite the fact that I have to be at work at 6am Sunday. Between this and the parade, my weekend should be very interesting indeed.

*insert snicker and sly smile here*

Okay, I had this brilliant fucking post several days ago, and, much to my horror, when I hit the wrong button on my IE, it disappeared. GONE!!! POOF!!! So, I will try to re-create it here.

Most people identify lesbians as being feminists, and, vice versa. There are many cases where it simply is not true. Not all lesbians are feminists, and, certainly, not all feminists are lesbians.

WHY FEMINISTS ARE NOT ALWAYS LESBIANS

Most feminists are women who merely want to work towards giving their daughters, and even their sons, a world and life where the sexes are on a more level playing field. Some however aspire to the mantra that women are the better sex, which, in my opinion defeats the purpose of the feminist in the first place. How can you strive for equality if your goal is superiority? That goal is hypocritical.

Homosexuals in general seek equality in and out of the home. We certainly cannot exert superiority if we are not considered equal. We seek a fair and non-discriminatory world, one where our children will not have the same fears we grew up to know and came to deal with as we realized our true nature. Couples such as ours seek the same legal rights and standing as our heterosexual counterparts.

To some feminists, this goal of equality rubs them the wrong way; they want the acknowledgement of superiority, to have our male dominated society bow to them and tell women that they are better. But wouldn't that just make them what they feel men were, and in some cases, still are?

*scratching head*

WHY LESBIANS ARE NOT ALWAYS FEMINISTS

Hmmm, one would assume that lesbianism and equal rights go hand in hand, right? I would dare say wrong.

Most lesbians fit somewhere into the butch/femme continuum, while others identify as queer. I want to focus on the butch/femme aspect of identity. Butches, in theory, work towards being seen as masculine or male. They mostly strive to fit what society deems to be the idea of a man. While femmes lean towards what society deems as feminine, or, what a woman should be. The butch plays the role of the breadwinner and patriarch, while the femme stays at home and does the "womanly" things, such as cleaning and cooking. There are butches who insist on those roles, and there are femmes that even will refuse to do work, aspiring to be the woman that the butch spends her money on, something to be decorated and adorned, an "arm-charm" as I refer to it.

(Don't get me wrong, get it how you can; I'm merely expressing my opinion.)

If it seems familiar, it is. This is the way that most women my age were raised and the mind set that we grew out of, and, women today are being raised to accept this as their fate. Roles that have been determined by men. Are we truly free if we find ourselves conforming to what men have dictated in the past? Are we really striving for equality when we define ourselves by the very system that has oppressed us?

*again scratching head*

I guess the point of this entry was to maybe help me clear up my misconceptions, and, maybe help a few people do the same along the way. I know this discussion warrants more than just a small entry in a blog, but, it's a start.

Another reason that golf sucks.

Fun stuff.

I will sooooo be at the Pride Parade this Sunday. Soooo, soooo soooo be there.

Catch ya later.

My Letter To You

Thank you for putting up with me for over a year, most would have left after six months.
Thank you for opening up my eyes making me see that my mom was still treating me like shit.
Thank you for telling me that it wasn't fair that I was paying more attention to my mom even when you were here.
Thank you for letting me cry on the living room floor when Jo accidentally scratched my face with her paw.
Thank you for telling me it's okay to cry; I've been laughing more ever since.
Thank you for giving me that Xmas ornament even though we had just been together for a month (at that point).
Thank you for reading the letter I gave you.
Thank you for responding to it.
Thank you for letting me meet your parents, your brother & his wife, your nephew, your grandparents and your severely stuck-up sister (which by the way, the more I thought about her, the more I realized how ugly she is, both inside & out).
Thank you for listening to me when I called you during my overnights, and, thank you for putting up with my schedule.
Thank you for listening when I stopped being grateful for what I had, and, reminding me of what I had.
Thank you for being there when I reached my lowest point; if it had not been for you, I would have never recovered.
Thank you for kicking me in the ass and making me realize that I was eatting to deal with my misery and abuse.
Thank you for helping me lose 30 pounds; I've lost 5 more since.
Thank you for making me realize that I was hiding myself in my big clothes.
Thank you for making me smile again.
Thank you for making me realize that I had a shitload of bad habits, and, thank you for making me change many of them.
Thank you for helping me realize that my mom was pushing my buttons, always wanting to start fights.
Thank you for making me strong enough to not let my mom push those buttons anymore; even since I've taken them away, she's been starting fights with her boyfriend.
Thank you for all the laughs I get when my mom starts fights with her boyfriend; I've been laughin my ass off since January.

**This entitles you to an invitation for you to stay over a night so you can watch it in person**

And last but not least, thank you. Thank you for being you and helping me find me. The path is still long and undiscovered, but, thank you for helping me find it.

Today is my mom's birthday. Today she turns 50.

Nice.

I always go over the updated blog list after I've posted just to see if any titles catch my eye.

My personal favorites (whose titles I laugh at, not look at) are the ones with titles like "I'm a sex addict" and "Porn Blog". Aww, isn't that cute; they're looking for attention.

Ugh.

Anyway, apparently, my boss isn't going to continue said conversation from several days ago. If I didn't know any better, I'd say the guy doesn't even want to talk to me at all. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'll be the optimist and lean towards good.

That's all for now. I'm very tired and am heading for bed. And I will be going to the Pride Parade next Sunday.

It's Father's Day. For me, it's just another day, another Sunday in a year full of Sundays.

My therapist asked me how I felt about Father's Day. Overall, I am indifferent to it. I give props to the pops I know in both circles of friendship and at work, but, that's all.

It's funny how I've formulated my character through his lack of such. One would always think that father is the figure of strength, morals and morale. My father is none of these. I have sworn myself to live my life being of antithesis of not what he stood for, but, the person he really was.

As far as I am concerned, my father was and still is a coward. I don't say that with hate, malice or vindictiveness; I say it because it is true.

The one thing about both him and my mom that I will never understand is this; why would you turn around and abuse your child, knowing that your parents abused you, knowing how you felt about it then, and how you feel now?

Being abused, no, making the choice not to continue the cycle of abuse is a very difficult one, one that I can completely sympathize with. It is human nature to take the easy road. Abusing and abusiveness is the very easy road. You can take the nice flat, beautiful path of sunshine, flowers, blue skies, and, blame your abusive behavior on your parents "It was my parents, my childhood, blah, blah, blah."

Bullshit. Does the individual have no accountability? Does that monster not have a mind of his/her own? Are they allowed to not have a conscience? Why should they be able to use their experience as a crutch to exist as a sick human being, when I choose not to? Where is the line drawn? Where does it stop?

I look at people who use such experiences as excuses or justification for shitty behavior and bad decisions. Quite honestly, it makes me sick. Sometimes, I'd love nothing more than to walk up to that person and kick their ass myself, just to take out my anger against them on them. But then, I would turn into the abuser, wouldn't I?

The path I have chosen to walk is strewn with temptation and challenge at every turn. I do not walk through the land of flat earth and easy trails. I walk through high hills, low valleys, and, every so often, I get to see the sun. There are times the ground crumbles beneath me, and, I on top of it. I have had to use my lessons of the past, however sharp the rock was that made my hands bleed, to build bridges and steps to overcome and learn from new lessons.

As the years have gone by, the hills are not so high, and the valleys are not so deep, the rocks not as sharp because I have discovered that it was bitterness that made them painful to bear, hate that made them heavy, although sometimes necessary in my travels. I see the sun a little more often, and, the corners of my eyes have caught small patches of green grass, growing saplings and young flowers along my path. If I look long enough, the sky isn't so dark anymore.

But it poses the question, if I could, would I trade my life for someone else's one whose beginnings were not so rough, whose roots were not so painful to watch grow?

No.

Why?

I could not bear the thought of someone else going what I have gone through, and, although there are those who have endured far worse than I, I know that there are many who could not walk the path I've followed in my life.

I do not say this to toot my own horn, or to pat myself on the back, I say this because despite all of the hate and anger I grew up with, I still have the ability and faith to love.

I know that is saying a lot.

While I was waiting outside for my mom to come and pick me up from work (I worked a 12 hour shift), my sup came up to me and said that he wanted to talk about how he felt about my performance.

Okay, I guess......

Thus the putrid and stench-filled overflow of business catch phrases began.

You need to be more urgent

Sure, asswipe, just as soon as you decide to get urgent about showing up for your shifts on time

I need you to step up to the plate

I'll get all over that when you decide to step up too. Lead by example, asshole

You only do what you feel comfortable doing

At least I'm doing something. By the way, ass kissing does not qualify as doing something, brown nose boy.

You need to do what needs to get done

Most of it's your job, bitch.

I'm disappointed in your performance so far

You're just one person, genius. Your peers are making fun of you behind your back, and, the whole department realizes you've changed nothing since you got here, oh, two months ago.

By the way, way to go, bumblefuck; you're performing worse than I did the same time last year.

I'm done now. All I had to say to my manager as he walked back from the grocery store was this;

"Can I just say one thing? That was the most ambigious conversation I have ever had. He was better off not saying anything at all."

The gift of ambiguity is the curse of stupid leaders.

Fun stuff, I say. Fun stuff.

On a lighter note, it looks like it will cost virtually nothing to add me to my mom's car insurance. I will be listed as a "part-time" driver. Whatever the fuck that is.

I will be asking for a short shift next Sunday. After all, it is the day of the Pride Parade. I will so be there. I must also ask for a Monday night close. Nice. I plan on getting shitfaced. Plan being the key word. What's nice is that the yellow line runs that weekend as well. Why? Taste of Chicago. More nice.

I must send an email off to my friend D and see if we can go there together. Mostly to see how she's doing though.

I got a hot tip on the part-time job bit. Seems that house-sitting is the hot thing right now. Especially in the neighborhood I was in Sunday. Mucho nice.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Guess where that's from!)

it's.........THE RETURN OF THE QUIZ RESULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla


congratulations. you are the "you smell like
butt" bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You have a free soul! As all the souls go, yours is
the most free-spirited and adventurous. You
like camping, hiking, or interaction with other
people. Your a social butterfly, but not
because of your style, but because of your
willingness to communicate with everyone. You
probably have close friends who can rely on you
because you always seem to know whats going on
in the world. You love music and are
free-spirited and someone fun to be around. A
born leader and great explorer-dont ever
change-the world needs more people like you.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla


You're Element is Fire. You have a strong,
independant, fiery personality and you
obviously don't ley other's puch you around.
You like being in charge and don't care what
other people think. In fact, you like to stand
out and be yourself. You're probably shy when
people first meet you but your a ball of energy
that could explode at any given moment. You
like to laugh and whether you admit it or not,
you like to fight. You're peronality that is
wild and untamable. You're beauty is physically
fit and a little sexy and you have a very
pretty face.


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla


SELENE: You are selene!
Beautiful, vivacious,
fierce and seductive, Selene vowed she would
destroy Lycans after her family was murdered by
the werewolves. So ruthless is she that selene
is a member of the Death Dealers. This elite
Vampire warrior class's mission is to make the
Lycans extinct.
Ever wish you could be a
vampire?






Which UNDERWORLD character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


AND NOW I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that it has been a week since I've posted last, and, I am genuinely sorry. I've been physically and mentally tired.

Physically tired because of the walk to the bus that takes me home everyday. Some days, it's a blessing, but, most it's been a bitch. As I stand at the bus stop, car after car rolls past me, reminders of how I no longer have one of my own. Makes me sick.

Mentally tired for two big reasons; number one, all of this Reagan SHITE on TV. "Man of the people", oh please dumbass. The "People's President", go fuck yourself. You just keep reminding yourself of that when people that you know start dying of AIDS.

But it's number two that has been most tiring. At the end of my session with my therapist last Friday, her words began to echo in my head. We talked about how I feel weird about people staring at me, even looking at me. She asked me why. I told her that I thought it was for two reasons; one, they were staring at me because I'm gay (I kinda make it obvious), or, two, they may like what they see. I told her that I always felt it was the first one all the time.

She then told me that she thought that I was a good looking woman. I am attractive, and, that I don't look like the 155 lbs that I weigh. She said that I should start realizing that it is human nature to look, but, if they look a little longer, it's because they like what they see.

It was a huge effort to try to reverse my mental process. I've always thought the worst. When you are raised by parents who beat down on you, call you names, beat you all the time, it's a little hard to not think the worst, or to be cynical, even about the good stuff.

It's always been hard for me to show any emotion beyond anger or dismay; it's not like I had a million role models to learn from. I've given up on my dad. I just watch my mom. Sometimes it makes me sick, her phony laugh, her fake attempts at showing love that isn't there, the facade that she pulls down to "look good" to other people. Ick

This is getting a little uncomfortable for me, so, I'm going to stop for now.

If you haven't noticed, I did fall off the face of the earth, and, I just finally found it again.

Yes, I am alive. I'm kinda ticked off right now for two reasons; number one, I'm not gonna get anymore than $50 for my car, so I'll have to consider donation options, and, number two, I just dumped off four bags of clothing, giving them to an organization that has no intention of donating them to the people that need them the most.

Despite the intimidation of trying to donate to organizations like GoodWill or the Salvation Army or other organizations of that kind, I'll deal with the hassle.

Just in case you find a little red box in your neighborhood, think again before you put your clothes into it.

A couple of really good reasons. 1 & 2 (You'll have to tab down on this page to the bottom to read the story).

Ronald Reagan is dead at 93. According to reports, he passed away sometime between 1-1:15pm eastern time.

As of right now, the only TV network that cares is ABC. NBC has arena football, and, CBS is covering horse races. I flipped through all the channels, and, it's only on 7 right now.

Tsk, tsk.

I can't help but feel indifference to his passing. I don't think that he really did anything to benefit this country in the long run. I remember being a child in the 80's, and, having that same feeling.

I remember when Reagan said that he would do nothing to stop AIDS from spreading, or, try to siphon funds to educate ourselves about it. I remember hearing the rumors about how he said that it was a "gay" disease.

I remember watching our Congress on TV passing legislature that allowed the budget deficit to be described in "trillions". "Trillion" was not a word recognized by our elected government body until then.

I remember his lectures and interviews on TV about the great "Cold War" that was threatening our nation, and, the world.

I remember hearing about the laws that were especially created to help the already wealthy get even richer, while watching the poor get even poorer.

I remember hearing the word "ex-patriot" for the first time. I especially remember it being used in the context of those people getting extra tax breaks because they lived out of the country, while their businesses stayed here.

I remember that when Reagan won office, you could buy a gallon of milk for a dollar. I remember that by the time he left, that same gallon cost two.

I remember all of the anti-abortion protests that happened as a result of his conservative view of the world. I remember hearing the phrase "family values" during his terms in office to justify hate speech.

I remember the Iran/Contra scandal. I remember Ollie North and Reagan's other puppet, George Sr.

I remember nothing really good about the Reagan years, the AIDS epidemic being the worst. Perhaps it was because both of my parents had to work to make ends meet. Perhaps it was the fact that they had to raise all of the rents in their two buildings for the first time in five years when Reagan took his second term. Perhaps it was because they got divorced while Reagan was in office.

What I remember most about the Reagan years is that how we were all brainwashed by Reagan and his cabinet into believing that we were the most powerful nation on Earth, how we were the best, and, everybody wanted to be like us.

Dear God,

I want You to remember this;

I want You to remember that one of Your children was in office the week that AIDS came to America. I want You to remember that this child of Yours in a moment of selfishness and singularity decided to openly deny Your other children help. I want You to remember that all of Your children who suffered and died as a result of ignorance and hate, and, that such ignorance and hate came from the mouth of the man that stands before You in judgment.

I want You to remember that he, with a single lack of action, with a single selfish thought, has sentenced millions of children to be orphaned, millions more to suffer and die. He did this without remorse or care. His ignorance has been passed on to generations after his, and, sadly, still exists today.

I understand that every choice we make is of our own consequence. I know that we do have free will. I also understand that there is an awesome responsibility for those who are chosen to be leaders. They are responsible for the well being of all people, not just those that they see, or those that are wealthy, or so on.

I feel that Reagan has failed in that responsibility horribly. He had the one chance to do the right thing, and, he failed. He choose his political career as opposed to his political responsibility.

I understand that no one is perfect. I know that everybody has their flaws, and, has made bad judgments in their lives. I am just as guilty as the next person.

It must mean something however, when your bad judgment affects millions of lives, when it's claws and fangs puncture the bonds and webs of entire generations injecting its poison into every class and race, with more to come.

I will not forsake You God by assuming that I am one to judge. However, I am not one to keep my mouth shut, either.

I am telling You what is in my heart, what my soul feels. And I hope that You remember this as he stands before You, my Lord.

Sincerely,

An Average Jane

Just a quick hello before I go to sleep.

Tracks on my pc that are getting heavy rotation;

JoJo Leave(get out)

PitBull Culo (w/ Lil Jon)
Nina Sky Move Ya Body

*These two songs use the exact same beat, percussion and all. Listen very closely.*

Petey Pablo Freek-A-Leek
Black Eyed Peas Hey Mama
Brandy feat. Kanye West Talk About Our Love

Went to see the dermatologist today. Still six seconds, still $20, and, yet another appointment in two weeks. I could have sworn I heard my wallet weeping as I left the office.