I can tell you this much.............

I can't tell you who to vote for on the national level. It's your choice.

Heck, I can't tell you who to vote for at all.

I can only suggest, and, suggest I shall.

Do not vote to retain Susan Jeanine McDunn. She is currently a presiding justice in the Cook County Court system.

Why?

In 1998 and 1999, Judge McDunn had two separate adoption cases in her court. Two couples went before her to request finalization of their adoption of two separate children. Children who would have had good homes, according to the case workers assigned to each case. Two Illinois children would have been adopted out of Illinois' grossly overextended and overworked public childcare system.

McDunn ruled against these two couples, despite the fact that they were both recommended by their respective case workers. McDunn ruled that two children were not deserving of a home and a family.

Why?

Because both couples were lesbian couples.

Folks, justice ain't blind. It's bigoted too.

Every major law association in Cook County, as well as a judge association have told voters to not vote for this woman.

Folks, seriously, when you have bar associations publicly telling voters not to vote for you, you're just plain evil. Evil to public figures is an evil I hope to never achieve.

But wait, it gets better.

Judge McDunn then turned over the files on both of these cases to anti-gay bigots.

That's right. This bigot then played "God" and turned over the case files to other bigots. Case files could include personal information such as address, work, salary, etc. These kinds of case files could also include case workers interactions and notes, as well as observations by the case worker done while the child is interacting with their potential parent(s).

Better still is this little observation I've made.

Bigots tend to hate more than one class of people.

Do the math. Who else does Judge McDunn hate?

Jews?

Arabs?

Muslims?

Christians?

Atheists?

Buddhists?

Hindus?

Catholics?

Methodists?

Hispanics?

African Americans?

Asians?

Pagans?

The list could go on and on. My point is this; do you want to find out?

I don't.

Punch "No" to retaining Susan Jeanine McDunn. Punch 276 on Nov. 2nd.

Thank you for reading.

This is just a quick note before I head off to bed. A bit of the romantic, I'd say.

Tonight is one of those nights. A night that I wish I wasn't going to bed by myself. The weather outside is about to be nasty, the wind is already blowing and there have been several streaks of lightening. It going to be one of those nights.

It's a time that I wish I wasn't going to bed by myself. Where I wish that someone was there, waiting for me to come and snuggle close to her. Someone whose chest I could place my head on, whose heartbeat I could be lulled to sleep to. Whose breath could be my security blanket, where I would feel safe from the world.

Yeah, I'm a "big" woman; 5'6" and 145 pounds. Yeah, I only have a Full Size bed.

But there are times where that small bed feels awfully big, in an empty way.

Lookit Me Ma, I'm a militant activist......

WTF?!?!?!

Seriously. That is exactly what I have been saying to myself since I read this story from the Sun-Times this morning;


Was Daley tricked with gay marriage petition?

October 29, 2004

BY FRAN SPIELMAN City Hall Reporter

Mayor Daley has made national headlines by declaring his support for gay marriage, but he has never once demanded that County Clerk David Orr defy state law and "immediately issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples."

At least not until this week.

On Wednesday night, the mayor was leaving the annual Chicago Gay and Lesbian Hall of Fame celebration at the Cultural Center when militant gay activists asked him to sign a petition that went far beyond Daley's public position on the issue.The petition demanded that Orr do here what San Francisco Gavin Newsome did -- only to be overturned by the courts.

'I'll sign anything'

Daley signed his name without reading the fine print. The Chicago Anti-Bashing Network then faxed press releases to media outlets touting the change in the mayor's position.

On Thursday, Daley insisted he never read the petition and had no idea it was designed to turn up the heat on Orr."I walked out and said, 'I'll sign anything.' I just put my name down. ... They asked me to sign it. I'm for gay marriage, so I have no problem with that. ... You know what my position has been on it," he said.

Asked if he wants Orr to start issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Daley said: "That's up to him. I don't know if he can do it legally. That would [have to be done] statewide."

Andy Thayer, a spokesman for the Chicago Anti-Bashing Network, ridiculed the mayor for claiming he hadn't read the petition before signing his name.

Not 'lying in wait'

"He's an attorney and he doesn't read what he signs? That's amusing. Sail on, oh ship of state. It's like a three- or four-sentence petition. I would hope that, in this day and age, politicians read what they sign," Thayer said. Thayer said he was well-aware that the language of the petition went far beyond Daley's public position on the issue of gay marriage. That's why he sent out the release.

But he categorically denied he was "lying in wait" for the mayor or that Daley had been set up.Told the mayor was not interested in turning up the heat on Orr, Thayer said: "If that's the tune he's singing now, he's taking a pretty cowardly approach. When people fight for civil rights, sometimes unjust laws need to be broken."

Folks, again, let me tell you what happened.

There were four of us working the crowd when the GLHF event at the Cultural Center ended. One of the speakers at the event was kind enough to mention us, and, as people strolled out of the hall, many were walking up to me, Glenn and Andy Thayer telling us that they wanted to sign our petition. There was no arm-twisting, threatening or bitch-slapping if anyone didn't. I personally just simply accepted the fact that they did not want to sign. No biggie.

While I was with a small group of people waiting to sign, all of a sudden I heard Andy say "Mayor Daley, would you like to sign a petition in support of same-sex marriage?"

I don't remember hearing "I'll sign anything". I don't remember any arm-twisting, threatening or bitch-slapping. All I remember is that as shock worked its way through my body, I turned my head to see Mayor Daley signing the petition. Willingly, openly and without provocation.

We were not "lying in wait". He was not "set-up". There were only four of us there; Mayor Daley had more people than that surrounding him.

Mayor Daley is not a fucking piece of meat, people. He is an attorney, and, the elected presiding authority over millions of people.

You would think that as such he would actually read something before he signed it. I guess, no, I know what he was expecting us to do.

He thought that we would just simply scan it into a hard drive and upload it to our website. We would make copies of it and hand it out to our members to stroke our own egos. He was not expecting us to fax this to media outlets. He was not expecting us to be calling people up and telling them about this. He sure as hell wasn't expecting the media to run with this little diddy.

So, now I'm being to referred to as a "militant" activist. I'm a tax-paying, hard-working, law-abiding citizen that wants equal rights, and, that makes me a "militant".

Obviously this "Fran Spielman" doesn't know what she's were talking about. Unless of course she was ordered by the Mayor's office to refer to us as such; then it would simply prove that the press in this country isn't so liberal and truly is being run by our government.

Patty Hearst was militant. The Weather Underground was militant. The Black Panthers were militant.

Those were organizations that worked towards interrupting the very basic foundations of our society and life in general to get their point across. They would start riots and blow shit up. That's militant.

What we do is not militant. Unless of course, you consider the fact that we are working towards obtaining a civil right that has been exclusive to heterosexuals for centuries. If you consider the fact that we are working towards obtaining a right that religious fanatics seem to think we don't deserve, are unworthy of and claim would be "destroyed" if we obtain it, then yeah, I guess we would be considered militant. After all, the religious right seems to have it's members convinced that gays were responsible for what happened on 9/11/01, AIDS, and any other "atrocities" that may be coming along.

How dare we ask for a civil right. How dare we say that our civil liberties are violated despite the "Due Process" clause in our Constitution that guarantees otherwise.

The gall of us gay rights activists.

Yeah, I guess we are militant.

I also guess that Fran is a barefoot, constantly pregnant, bible thumping, Ku Klux Klan white sheet wearing, Confederate Flag hanging in her living room, God-fearing All American Bigot.

Yeah, I guess I am a militant.

So, Mayor Daley, would you like to....

Consider this part two of my day.

Plans changed and we ended up meeting at the Cultural Center before the start of the event. We found out that the head honcho only wanted two people soliciting signatures, which we abided to. For the most part.

As the evening wrapped up, we began to have four people working the crowd for signatures. Lo and behold, his honor, Mayor Richard Daley walked into the rotundra and one of our guys said,

"Mayor Daley, would you like to sign a petition in support of same-sex marriage?"

The question was asked loud and publicly. I was already getting signatures from several people who had formed a line when I heard it, and, I quickly turned my head to see that Daley signed it, with a half smile/grimace on his face. It was fucking beautiful.

That was the first thing I came home and told my mom. AWESOME!!!!

It's times like those that make this worthwhile. Seriously.

So, we got the pleasure of working the "A" list crowd of gays and lesbians, along with a big guy's John Hancock. Sweet.

We also got a chance to tell people about our organization, and, maybe made a few new members. I personally got to rub elbows with a few rather important people, courtesy of my friend G.

We also got a chance to make some posters for Saturday's protest. EMN! will be protesting Mr. Obama during his fundraiser this Saturday evening. Why? Good question. Here's the answer:

It's simple really. A man who is considered a Constitutional Scholar, and, especially a member of a race that was discriminated against under the guise of religion, has no business citing his "Christian Values" as a reason to discriminate against an entire class of people. He's a constitutional scholar people; this means that he knows that denying gay people the right to marry is in violation of the due process clause of our constitution. Being an African American, he should know that so-called "Christian Values" were used to justify laws that existed solely to ensure continued discrimination against his own race.

Yet he uses these same values to discriminate against another class of people, which includes his own race, and other minorities. Call me a racist if you want, but, it really doesn't help when there are African Americans out there, especially those in the public eye, who show that they are no better than the people who once oppressed them.

You would think that someone who comes from an oppressed class would show just a tad bit more sympathy when they see other classes being oppressed. Don't get me wrong, there are many African Americans who sympathize with the gay rights cause, but, this sympathy certainly has not worked it's way up to the community's leaders.

Understand that as a Hispanic, things aren't much better; in most cases, they are probably worse. It just frustrates me to see this.

I don't understand hate. I never will.

Just a quick post. I've got a long day ahead of me.

I have petitioning at the Gay & Lesbian Hall of Fame tonight, as well as helping my buddy G figure out his new MP3 player.

But first, laundry. I literally have nothing to wear and it's because it all needs to be washed. Fun stuff.

Last point. Some of you may have heard about this new Eminem video that raising some hoopla. It's called "Mosh" and when you watch it, you'll find out why.

Here's the link. It's choppy if you have dial-up, but, any other connection and you're good.

Go watch it. Then spread it far and wide.

If you ever actually pull your own pants down.......

Started on 10/26/04, finished 10/27/04

I want to continue on from my post yesterday, but, a programming note:

Today was good. I went to see my friend G. I was spoiled with a meal of pasta with a wonderful sauce that he made himself which included tomatoes, margarine and soy milk as well as a Boca burger (which I never had before).
I was greeted with a cup of Caramel Butterscotch Coffee, which was divine. I'll have to mooch some from him tomorrow when I see him again. I loved it.

We got to talking about some more shit that has gone down with the group, including the public posting of some rather private emails to the listserv. Personally, I've had it and went ahead and sent an email requesting verification of the identity of this "cheerleaderwomyn" to their server (did the IP trace and it turns out that they were traced back to a server that handles "private" emails).
I'll see what happens.

Went with G to my job, since we were having a "Friends and Family" night. He got 12% off of a bunch of stuff. Five DVD sets and a MP3 player. Sweet.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled blog entry.....

Now that I've had a chance to talk and let the debate sink in, I've realized something. I feel bad for the Nader representative. She got walked all over. Like a welcome mat at a whorehouse. Seriously.

Both the Democrat and the None-of-the-Above representative ripped into the Nader rep. Let's face it, it's not like they didn't have any reason to. Nader waited until six months before the election to begin organizing petition drives and contesting his placement on ballots across the nation. Nader did not utilize all the resources that he could for his campaign. Dean raised millions of dollars courtesy of the internet. Nader hasn't raised much. Nader thumbed the Green Party in 2000, and, didn't even go to accept their "nomination" earlier this year. The very progressives that his campaign was tapping into to get him votes are the same ones that he has snubbed.

The only argument that the Nader rep could give is that there needs to be a third party alternative.

I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. This political machine needs a third party to be the monkey wrench in the system. But, it must be a viable third party, utilizing resources that are rather unorthodox in obtaining funding for it's campaign.

Intelligent third parties not only find a way to make their "radical" message translate into something that is tangible by the masses, but, they learn from other individuals that raised funding, or, even integrate those individuals into their campaigns. More importantly, they build on what has worked. They do not snub individuals or groups of "nominations" and such; they, in the end, are only shooting themselves in the foot. To shut down new allies and potential new "routes" to get to the common goal of winning is stupid, to say the least.

To boot, Nader is classist and anti-union (he would not let his own company form a union). This is contrary to what most progressives stand for. But they are the ones voting for him.

This boggles my mind. I've spoken to multiple individuals who know that Nader is getting assistance (financial, legal and ballot assistance) from the Republicans time and time again. They know that the reason why the Republicans are pushing for him is because he steals votes from the Democratic pool. They know that they are playing right into the Republican party's hands, and, they are still going to vote for Nader!

Their reasoning is simple; "I know that Nader takes votes from the Democrats, but, I want to vote for someone who is not part of the political machine."

Excuse me, dumbass?!?!?! Nader willingly and publicly accepts help from the Republicans, and, you want to vote for someone who is not part of the machine?

You are willingly playing right into the Republican party's hands, being fully aware of this fact, you still are going to vote for Nader?

Sorry, puppet, I'd rather be an assumption of the Democratic party than the puppet of the Republican one. But that's just me of course.

You ever have that feeling?

As I was sitting on the train, heading out to the meeting/debate, I felt like I was going to my own funeral. Seriously. And I don't know why.

The debate itself was good. Solid discussion with counterpoints.

But a complete waste of time. Hence the feeling of funeral, I guess.

I did agree with one point; change is never possible without activism. It never happens without a starting point, never without at least a single action.

Change is like a bomb; the longer it takes to happen, the longer the wick gets. Once it's lit, there's really no stopping it, and, when it goes off, somebody's ideals get damaged or smashed. Nothing is ever the same, really.

It's been a long day, so, if this doesn't make sense, I apologize; I've been up since 6am. I also just figured out (as I walked through my back door tonight) that I have worked six days in a row. Ugh.

Don't believe the hype........

Interesting, I'd say.

I've been reading all around the net, seeing stuff about how the Republicans are worried about Bush's chances.

Why?

Because in multiple polls across the nation, and, especially in swing state polls, Bush's lead is no more than the margin of error. Ouch.

Coupled with rumors that Kerry's campaign has been getting a big push between Clinton hoping on board and all the negative spin on the "War" in Iraq, Bush could very well lose and lose big in November.

It will probably take til January to find out who our President is anyway, since both camps have fired up the attorney pools for possible recounts. Too boot, the Republican Party in Ohio is pulling some last minute shit. Turns out they are "challenging" over 35,000 new voter registrations because the party sent out Pro-Republican literature to the addresses of over 50,000 new voters, and, over half of them came back saying things like " not a valid address" or "addressee does not live here" and shit like that.

Funny how they never stated whether those words were written by hand, or, were stamped by the local post office. Funny indeed.

Read all about it here. Thanks to AmericaBlog for the story.

Yeah, this is short, but, my boss is on vacation this week, so, my brain cells are being used once again. Fun stuff.

My tummy remembers....

Back when I was off to protest that asshole Stephen Bennett, I forgot to mention that after all that yelling and shouting, I went with G, his partner and several other EMN/CABN-ers to eat dinner.

We ate Indian food.

Never had Indian food. It was tasty. Not in a "kick in your mouth" tasty, but, more like the equivalent of driving on a sunny day past fields of flowers that blend with easy in high green grass. It doesn't bitch-slap you, but, you sense it all, far and wide.

The food was good, and, the company made it better. It's always a treasure when you sit with other activists, those that have been doing this for decades, who have walked along side the likes of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. You secretly wish that some of that greatness rubs off on you, all the while not realizing that in just taking a stand in these dangerous times, you have more courage and conscience than the majority of the American populace.

Isn't it amazing how you always remember how something makes you feel?

It's deep, but not deep enough to suck you in. I'm still remembering.....

I don't speak Chinese......

Seriously, just a friendly note here.

If you IM me on yahoo (my id is aries110202) with a smiley, I'm already gonna know what's up.

If your message reads "32 single Chicago", I'm gonna ask you "single what?".

If you respond with "male" my interest will drop like lead in water. I'll let you know I'm a lesbo.

If you respond with "cool. let us be friend." I'll assume that you have no grasp of the English language and ignore your ass faster than flies on fresh shit in summer.

Seriously, if you don't have a basic mastery of the English language, don't waste my time.

I'm off to finish laundry and get my ass going to work.

DOOM!!DOOM!! The End is Near!!! The End is Near!!!

Okay, not really.

The Code of Conduct totally went bust. I've never seen anything catch fire and blow up so fast.

I've also never seen a handful (if you call 5 a "handful") of people isolated so quickly.

I also didn't know that there were so many people who were on my friend G's side. One of our more famous members (I won't say who) made a special appearance to defend him.

Yeah, dumbasses, alienate that person, and your cause is fucked hardcore. It's just like you said bitches, word travels fast in the community, and, this would have bitten us in the ass hardcore.

Fucking control freaks.

Anyway, the idea of a Halloween get-together was never even presented, so, none of that. But, we are probably going to be organizing a petition drive for the Halloween Costume March on the 29th (I believe), as well as another one at the Gay and Lesbian Hall of Fame at UIC on the 27th. I hope to be able to do both, but, I know that I will be able to do at least one.

The talk is already beginning about the election. Predictors, at least those bold enough to do so are already saying that Kerry will win the popular vote, but, that Bush will win the electoral vote.

People, I'm serious about this. If you are in the Electoral College and Kerry doesn't get in, seriously, yeah......... I'm not saying that I would do anything, but, for the sake and sanity of this country, I would hope that Kerry wins. Seriously.

The Electoral College has voted against the will of the people four times in our history, with Bush being the fourth. I wouldn't mind a fifth this time. It would make amends for your stupid decision in 2000.

Dearly beloved, we gather here today to freeze our asses off....

The IFI "rallies" were a fucking joke.

Seriously.

Hardcore joke.

Yeah, there were probably 150 people at the Marquette Park rally.

There were.

As soon as Keyes left, that crowd quickly dwindled down to about 30 or 40. Most of the people who were there just wanted to see Keyes.

They were also mostly white.

This bugged the fuck out of me hardcore.

I then got a chance to get up to the microphone and speak. This is the gist of what I said;

"Hi, my name is ----, and, I'm with Equal Marriage NOW! I want to do something that I don't normally do. I don't normally come up here and speak to race card, but, as a Hispanic, I feel I must. You see, Alan Keyes and other minorities who are running for the Republican party are ultimately working for a pre-dominantly white, born-again Christian party that seeks to divide us at a time when we must be united. Our brothers and sister, sons and daughters are being killed in Iraq while our families are being divided here at home. Times like this are when our communities should be most united, when we can draw power away from those who have it, but, instead we are falling for this party's divisive tactics. For anyone who is listening to the this man, especially if you are Hispanic or African American, I say "shame!", "shame!" to those of you who cannot see that you are pawns in this game. "

Then I got off the mic, and our protest kept going. Within minutes of Keyes leaving, the crowd dwindled down to the original 30 or 40 who were there before it started. We stayed until about 3:30pm, then packed up our gear and headed over to Elmhurst, where the IFI bigots were to "strike" next.

Ha.

When we got there...no, let me back up a bit.....

Between Thursday and Friday, EMN! received multiple desperate emails about the IFI/CWA heading out to Elmhurst College. It turns out that Concerned Women of America (CWA) wanted an audience at the college because it has recently formed a GLBTQQI student association. The head Chaplain, being an ally, denied an audience.

The self-righteous Concerned Wenches of America would not stand for this! No, no....

So, they worked with the IFI's "Cover the State with Hate" Tour. This resulted in the IFI paying for a permit for a space in the park right across from the college campus. They paid for a space that was about 100' by 100' feet, and, could have accommodated well over 1,000 people.

So, after our counter-rally in Marquette Park, the majority of us headed over to Elmhurst to help these kids out. We found a space, we got there, we parked and then we found the group......

I was pissed. They told us that they intended to have a "silent" protest. WTF?!?!?!?!?!

SILENT?!?!?!?!?! Hey, why don't you just let them walk all over you while you're at it?

The students decided to form a line where the college property met the property of the public park. They had signs and banners. But they were going to be silent.

They couldn't even be seen. This is what pissed me off.

They eventually came over to those of us that were lined up on the public way, chanting and "boo"-ing those who were speaking.

Even then, between the "silent" protest and those of us who were not, we outnumbered the bigots on a 2 to 1 basis. The space that IFI had paid for was going unused. The space that was empty merely magnified how small the group really was.

The good thing is that there were students who were visibly uncomfortable with the "silent" protest and joined us. I even got an interview with the Daily Herald. I learned that I need to work on my "ask before I answer" skills. Each side accused the other of being bigots. If I had known that the IFI were going to refer to us as bigots, I would have found a more mature and creative way of presenting them as such, but without the use of the word.

The O.C. meeting happened yesterday. I strongly insisted that we allow the creation of a "P.R." contact position to deal with "complaints" from outsiders, but, I stated that we should leave even the creation of a "subcommittee" to draw up a code of conduct up to a vote in the group.

This will be a very heated debate. I will say that if this "cheerleaderwomyn" isn't there, then fuck it, we shouldn't be having this discussion, period. It's done.

We shall see, I guess.

The fractures that sever......

The shit is going to hit the fan, people.
Too bad I'm not in the shit's path.
I get to laugh at the people it hits.

Let me explain. Where shall I begin? Hmmm........

In an email dated Wednesday, Oct 13th, 12:55 am;

I personally am unsure as to what I think about the whole affair, however I did agree with a few things you mentioned in your response.
I think through-out this whole thing we need to stress exactly what you stated; " In successful organizations, individual strengths are used to benefit the whole..."
I think the only way to achieve this is with some loose form of a code of conduct. However, there was some heated division within the group when we discussed this issue a few months ago.
The majority seemed to support the idea, but those against it said that any form of a code of conduct would be the end of their involvement with EMN! Which is not something I think the group honestly wants.
I think the O.C. (organizing committee) should try to propose something that will satisfy both sides of the issue......

Speed up to Thursday, Oct 14th around 1pm......

I call this person, and, while we are talking, I give him an idea.

My idea was this; if we ever have another incident such as the "cheerleaderwomyn" incident again, such "complaints" should be handled by the member(s) who coordinated the event at which said "incident" happened. If the "complaint" is about the coordinating member(s), then it should default to a "neutral" individual on the organizing committee.

This structure serves two "purposes", number one being the most important to me. It's very simple, really. This structure would have either ultimately "forced" o.c. members to become neutral (no queens playing favorites with each other anymore) or, it would have put them in a position to be "voted off" (out of 7 members, this would put at least four of them at risk of being voted off because they don't do a fucking thing anyway, unless there is a hard-core photo op). Purpose would have displaced vanity. A balance between those who "do" and those who "don't" would have been achieved. Not even a balance, really. Those who "do" would have gotten ultimate control.

Purpose number two being the fact that this would have forced other members of the group into stepping up and taking charge of events, not leaving the events up to the same people over and over again. Again, this would have put people at risk of being identified as being the one who "don't" and therefore cast a negative image on themselves.

Unfortunately, I think that someone caught onto my plan. They figured it out.

How do I know this?

Sitting at Nookie's on Halsted tonight, all of a sudden I hear my plan was warped from the above to this;

"We are going to discuss the creation of a Public Relations person, a contact person who handles complaints from those who post complaints on the listserv. We will also create a "code of conduct". This PR person will decide if the member who was complained about was in error or not."

What? We're going to create a big brother? Excuse the fuck out of me?

We're going to let the "do not"s decide whether our behavior was appropriate or not?

Fuck you.

My stand begins tomorrow night.

I know that I will fail in convincing the few members of the o.c. to see the error of their warp, but, I will.

What I don't know is if my involvement with EMN! will end Monday night.

I will not be judged and ruled over by a bunch of fucking prissy queens. I'll take my activist ass over to CABN and never look back. The only problem is that if I leave, others may follow, or, I may very well be following someone else out the door, with others walking behind me.

The others being the ones who I go out with, the ones I hit the streets with, the ones who actually go out and protest and get our group's name out there in the papers and on the news. The ones who "do".

I'm sure that if I decide to leave, it won't matter to the catty queens. I'm sure that if those who I think will leave with me leave, it won't matter to the catty queens.

I'm sure that the organization won't last past the 1st of next year if we do.

I've been thinking about all of this.

Why am I putting forth the effort of trying to track down the asshole who sent those emails?

It looks like I may very well be wrong. The IFI is on our mailing list. I found that out today.

But, more importantly, it took an email from my "crush" to make me realize what's been eating at me for some time.

We lack focus.

It was there; now it's gone.

Our name is Equal Marriage NOW!

Not, go out and protest everyone who bashes gays, but, marriage for gays. That is supposed to be our focus. We've lost it.

We must get it back. Sunday night will be the first step. I will stand my ground.

But who will stand with me?

The answer may surprise even me.

Hardball with Chris Matthews.....

Please, he couldn't even throw a softball. Or a baseball, a football, a soccer ball or a basketball.

He probably couldn't even throw a wiffle ball.

Just got off the phone with one of my fellow EMNers. We agreed that we need to put some kind of code of conduct into place, especially applicable to postings on the listserv.

The situation blew completely out of control. Totally. Everybody let their emotions get involved instead of defending one of their own.

This will be spoken to.

More to come.

I'm off the pc and off to work.

Oh, dem good old boys uh'll be fine dere.....

People, I'm serious abut this.

I've been reading about Bush's physical appearance during the last debate.

I keep reading the same thing. Bush may have had a stroke during the debate. In watching the footage in slow-mo, you can reportedly see a line of drool coming down from the left side (viewers right side) of Bush's mouth. You could see where it had landed on the lapel of his jacket. You can also see him favoring one side of his body over the other while he was walking and standing.

Bush may have suffered a stroke while debating. A STROKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was reported that Bush has postponed his annual exam until after the elections. Gee, I wonder why now. It was reported that Bush was wearing a wire during the first debate. Now, I don't know what to think about it.

I used to think that it was for cheats from one of his campaign people. Now, it's either that, or, it may very well have been a pacemaker.

Good Lord, we could very well have two sick men trying to get re-elected to the White House.

Go here and have fun jumping around all the links.

Motherfucker. This person made damn sure they couldn't be found.

The first email was sent from one of the City College's email servers. The second from a Chicago Public Library.

Punk ass mother fucker. You coward.

You'll slip up. You'll send something from your home, or your work. Then I'll find you.

Fucker.

I need to go eat breakfast now. Just think, I've only been up for about 45 minutes. It's times like these that retail doesn't suck so much.

Okay, so, I'm closer to finding out who this asshole is than I was a few moments ago.

Turns out they are sending these emails from the City Colleges of Chicago. That's as close as I can get for now. The id is guardian2.ccc.edu.

Thanks to Maine at the QW! for his help. You sexy man you!

Welcome to the Bullshit and a half show!!!!

Fucking bullshit.
Seriously. People need to grow up.

Let me explain.

There is someone, possibly "someone"s who are dismayed and disgusted with my friend G from EMN. Whoever this or these people are, they are one thing for sure. Big, useless, worthless cowards.

Here's how it's gone down;

Email one showed up Monday. Here it is;

We just joined this yahoo group and need to read down about what happened at the wedding expo yesterday.My partner and I are both really mad about one of the reps at your booth.We signed a petition and got a lecture about how we need to go down to the southside next Sat for some rally being held on down there.We went to this thing at the hotel to get some iformatoin on our cerimony we will be having in the Spring, next year.We got tips on cakes and rings and invitations and stopped by equal marriagenow for some information hoping to get some advise on how to make this legal for us.Instead we were almost forced to sign a petition which we did.Jan said she felt funny about the guys shirt anyway which said HOMO marriage on it.He told us that we had ourselves to blame if an amendment passes in Ill. forbidding gay marriage.He really got us scared.We had seen the group around and thought of going to it but if that is what goes on then we say to forget it.Talk to these guys and tell them scare tactics don't work on us.


I did not edit it. I want you to see how stupid this person is. See how they can't do something as simple as hit that huge fucking space bar at the bottom of the letters to space their sentences. It gets better;

Email number two;

Thanks to those people that wrote to us and to the message board to support my decision about this guy.Its good to know we are not the only one's that feel that way.Can they vote him off?That is what somebody said.That he is on some committee that is with in the committee.Like we said getting arrested for yelling in a church is no ackomplishment; it is something to be ashamed of.Thank you again for your support, and let us know when the "coast is clear"

Again, stupid writing in action. Lack of punctuation, using quotation marks wrong, the whole nine yards. But, that's not what got me thinking. What got me thinking was the whole bit about "getting arrested". Wow, how would a total stranger to the group know about that?

They wouldn't. It's as simple as that. It's someone in the group.

I will find you, motherfucker. The internet does not guarantee anonymity. I will hunt you down, I will find you, I will expose your sorry ass at the next meeting. I will throw your piece of meat ass to the lions and watch them devour you. You will become a victim of the very machine you are trying to use against my friend.

Why will I do this?

First, you are going after my friend. Going after any of my good friends is like going after my mother or father. I will destroy you. No mercy.

Second, because you're a punk ass chump. Anybody who doesn't even have the balls to stand up and say what they feel about someone doesn't deserve to be in an activist group. I say no to wussies, cowards and pacifists being in an activist group. Fuck you all.

Understand that if I am wrong, and I just might be (not likely, but, I like to prepare for the worst), I will apologize and feel like shit and look like a fucking c*nt, and, I'll take it. It's all good, everybody fucks up every so often.

But I have this huge gut feeling that I am not wrong. Huge, hardcore gut feeling.

Here is my response to all of this;

Wait a minute, we are all getting way too emotional about this. We all need to back up a bit.

What bothers me about me this is simple. We've been validating this individual without asking if this individual is valid.

How do we know who she is? How do we know if the story is true? How do we know that this isn't somebody from Equality IL who is pissed off that we were there? How do we know that this isn't some spy sent from the IFI to see what we are up to? How do we know if it's even a woman after all? How do we know if it isn't some guy that got pissed off that our guys weren't trying to pick him up?

I got a chance to speak to another individual who was at the event, and, they cannot support this person's story.

We've assumed too much already. I agree with the previous suggestion that we should let this individual come to our meeting next Monday and let them tell their story. If an apology is in place, then we should give it. I would also like to suggest that we cease and desist on making any more comments about this. They are beginning to sink to the level of insults.

Individual actions are ones that the individual should be held accountable to, not an entire group, unless the action itself was group sponsored.

I also commend that individual's action of standing up for themselves and what they believed in such an environment. If my living situation were different, I would have been right beside him, probably getting arrested too. We often mask the lack of will or inability to do something with dismay or anger when someone does what we cannot.

However, I would like to suggest a loose "code of conduct" to be applied to certain instances, such as petitioning, etc.

In successful organizations, individual strengths are used to benefit the whole, despite how individuals feel about one particular individual. No one should be "voted out" simply someone disagrees with their tactics or skills.

I agree with this; if anyone should be voted out, it should be the individuals who feel that this "trouble maker" should be removed. Just because someone makes you uncomfortable in how they choose to fight doesn't mean that they should be banned from fighting.

I know this is long, but, I feel that this needed to be addressed in this way. We should all just wait until Monday night and let this individual speak their side to us and go from there.

And alas, G was able to speak (his pc has been down and in & out of service at his local Best Bitch-I told him next time to let me handle his pc-). His response to this whole thing;

I haven't had a computer for a few days and have had to use those at the public libraries. Needless to say, what I have found has shocked me. Not only are the public postings upsetting (the negative ones) but those I have received in my private Yahoo account make those posted seem tame!
First, however, I would like to thanks those folks that SUPPORT me, namely (names me), ***, and ***. I think you know that I am indeed passionate about this for the sake of EVERYONE and not for any selfish motive.
For as long as I am able, I will be dedicated to this and, with support from kind folks like yourself, hopefully we can all continue until we achieve FULL EQUALITY. (But hopefully it won't be too long!)There was NO such incident as described by this "cheerleaderwomyn" person. And I agree with the member who stated that putting stock in this mystery-person's comments is really ridiculous.
But what upsets me even more is that fact that incidents of this past summer are being brought up, indicating some sort of grudge that had laid dormant and who "cheerleaderwomyn" resurrected. Again, is there such a person?
It is a fact that we all have different ways of voicing our opinions and pressing our points. While some may choose a passive, "let them come to me approach", I feel that those folks who have been activists for many years know far more than those of us who only recently became active in these causes. Even then, these more-experienced folks differ in opinion as to exactly how to operate.
At that point, it becomes a choice of the individual which way they wish to approach activism; passively or assertively. I think it is no secret that I have chosen a more assertive approach and feel no need to defend that position.While I stated earlier that these past incidents angered me, I will not give in to some sort of "code of conduct" that some members seem bent upon imposing upon other members.
We act as individuals, and this thing about what we can and can't do with our EMN t-shirts on is really a joke!To return to the fabricated incident of Sunday, there was no such encounter with anyone. No arrest was made in Oak Park, no one was shamed into signing the petitions, and no one had there arm twisted in an attempt to get them to attend the rally on Saturday at Marquette Park. The fact that one member who wrote to me stated that I was participating in this event solely for media attention really ought to check his own motives for such a comment.
Thanks for reading and thanks again to those of you who appreciate ACTIVISM.

I know this a long post, but, I've had to get this shit off of my chest, and, maybe get some input from some outsiders as well. The whole two or three people who read this anyway.

I'm off on the hunt......more to come

It's been a long day.

12:34 am - I am packing up and heading to bed after making another 300+ white ribbons for the Wedding Expo downtown

5:45 am - I am back up, making coffee, heating up some waffles, and discovering that there is no hot water for my morning shower. Froze my ass and tits off taking a cold shower instead

6:30 am - I am flying down 94 at 70+ m.p.h. I make it to Kinko's near Lane Tech by 7:05 am

7:40 am - I am speeding down Belmont, then Lincoln to get to friend's house to drop off ribbons and various other stuff from Kinko's. I get there in about 10 min.

8:20 am - After only finishing off half of a cup of coffee, I am weaving my way thru detours (courtesy of the Lasalle Marathon) to get to Lake Shore Drive.

8:45 am - After going anywhere from 50 to 70 m.p.h. on the Drive, I am at work early, so, I run over to the Jewel next door, and, I grab a Starbucks cold coffee and the Sun Times

9:03 am - I punch in to discover that the other two guys who started an hour before me were just fucking around, and, I'm stuck doing what needs to be done

5:23 pm - I punch out 8 minutes after the end of my shift due to an intense political conversation with the warehouse crew. None of us are stupid enough to vote for Heir Bush.

6:20 pm - I sit down in front of the TV to watch the tail end of AFV on ABC, eating all the while.

7:05 pm - I go to sleep

8:02 pm - I get back up and spend the rest of the night straightening the place out, a trip to the ATM to make a deposit, and, finally, a late dinner.

Now, I am about to sign off and go back to sleep for the rest of the night. I don't have to be at work until 10 am. Then it's off to my meeting for EMN. Fun stuff.

Well, We gotta help out any way we can.....

Fucking bastards.

That's all I keep saying to myself. Why?

The conservative owners of our "liberal" media are showing their fangs. Desperate motherfuckers.

I've taken the liberty of copying the article here;

NEW YORK — The conservative-leaning Sinclair Broadcast Group, whose television outlets reach nearly a quarter of the nation's homes with TV, is ordering its stations to preempt regular programming just days before the Nov. 2 election to air a film that attacks Sen. John F. Kerry's activism against the Vietnam War, network and station executives familiar with the plan said Friday.
...
Sinclair has told its stations — many of them in political swing states such as Ohio and Florida — to air "Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal," sources said. The film, funded by Pennsylvania veterans and produced by a veteran and former Washington Times reporter, features former POWs accusing Kerry — a decorated Navy veteran turned war protester — of worsening their ordeal by prolonging the war. Sinclair will preempt regular prime-time programming from the networks to show the film, which may be classified as news programming, according to TV executives familiar with the plan.
...
Sinclair stations are spread throughout the country, in major markets that include Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Las Vegas; its only California station is in Sacramento. Fourteen of the 62 stations the company either owns or programs are in the key political swing states of Ohio, Florida, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, where the presidential election is being closely fought.

Station and network sources said they have been told the Sinclair stations — which include affiliates of Fox, ABC, CBS, NBC, as well as WB and UPN — will be preempting regular programming for one hour between Oct. 21 and Oct. 24, depending on the city. The airing of "Stolen Honor" will be followed by a panel discussion, which Kerry will be asked to join, thus potentially satisfying fairness regulations, the sources said.

Kerry campaign officials said they had been unaware of Sinclair's plans to air the film, and said Kerry had not received an invitation to appear.
...
The company made headlines in April when it ordered seven of its stations not to air Ted Koppel's "Nightline" roll call of military dead in Iraq, deeming it a political statement "disguised as news content." Sen. John McCain, the Republican from Arizona who was a prisoner of war in Vietnam, was among those who criticized Sinclair's decision not to air the "Nightline" program, which featured the names and pictures of more than 700 U.S. troops.
...
"Stolen Honor" was made by Carlton Sherwood, a Vietnam veteran and former reporter for the conservative Washington Times who is also the author of a book about the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. On the website for the film, he tells viewers, "Intended or not, Lt. Kerry painted a depraved portrait of Vietnam veterans, literally creating the images of those who served in combat as deranged drug-addicted psychopaths, baby killers" that endured for 30 years in the popular culture.

Copied for informative purposes only, from L.A. Times, October 9th, 2004.

So, yeah.......Bush's supporters know that he's losing in the debates (people like you and me have always known that he's a bumbling idiot, it just took the debates to help the rest of America realize this), so, they are taking this dramatic and unprecedented step to make sure that Bush has a chance of winning. I find it convenient that they own or have affiliate stations in the swing states of Ohio and Florida.

This feels like people have been planning this for years. Years, people. It's fucking conspiracy.

To counter this, several websites have gone up. If you love your country, not your asshole President (he seems to confuse the two), please check them out, and, pass them along far and wide. The American public has a right to know about the conspiracy against John Kerry.

Stop Sinclair Now! Petition coming soon!

and

Boycott Sinclair Blog up and running now!

If you live in Illinois, here are the stations that are either owned or have a "marketing agreement" with Sinclair;

WICD
250 South Country Fair Drive
Champaign, IL 61812
(217)351-8500
website

WICS
2680 East Cook Street
Springfield, IL 62703
(217)753-5620
website

Both stations are NBC affiliated

WYZZ
2714 E. Lincoln Street
Bloomington, IL 61704
(309)662-4373
website

This station is FOX (unfair and unbalanced) affiliated

If you don't live in Illinois, please click on this link and you'll be able to find which stations (if any) are in your state. This company has affiliations with all three major networks as well as FOX, UPN and the WB.

I know this seems a bit much, but, our President should not be able to use his friends' press power to further his murderous, civil right depriving agenda without consequence. I will be sending out an email to the universities that are out by the stations (U of I and Illinois U) if they have some political student groups (especially liberal). I'm sure they'll want to know what's going on in their own backyard.

I'm off to get the car's front tires either fixed or replaced (less than 6 mos. old, courtesy of Pep Boys) and then to make more ribbons for the Wedding Expo tomorrow. I'll have to travel into the city to drop them off, but, whatever helps.

The coming out dance petitioning was okay. Not many of the students seemed "political". It was more of the "mature" students that signed our stuff. Hey, people signed. We got our name out. That's what mattered.

Ciao for now.

For some reason, I wasn't able to sleep last night. I just got out of bed, and, I start work in three hours. I was up until past 5 this morning.

I figured that while I was up, I should have something to eat.

My meal consisted of a cheeseburger hotpocket, a can of fruit cocktail in lite syrup and a C2.

As I was flipping through channels on the TV, I realized something. Every single channel that had news on was saying something horrible about the Bush regime; I was hearing the exact same things I would have to go online to read.

Our press is liberal. Only when no one is watching.

I'm telling you people, set your VCRs or TIVOs to record from 3am until 5am. You'll get the news our "liberal" media is too scared to deliver during the day, when people watch, when it counts.

I now have to get my ass in gear. I have a load of laundry to do before work.

Fun stuff.

I will type more later.

One more thing before I'm done for this morning.....

I was up for a few extra hours last night thinking......

I remember when Bush first sent troops to Iraq. I remember it vividly because both of my brothers received orders to appear at Fort Sheridan within days of the announcement.

It was heartbreaking to say the least. My brothers had been out of the Marine Core for four years when they got those orders. That's how far back our President wanted to dig to build up the soldier base.

Per the Geneva Convention, my brothers were to be put on "active reserve" for 4 years then "inactive reserve" for 4 more years, totaling 8 years. I think it's been changed to six years since they left; I'm not sure.

Anyway, when they reported to Fort Sheridan (only a day apart) they received their next set of orders. One of my brothers served in Bosnia during his first time in the Core. He was sent home that day and was told that he would not be brought back.

My other brother however, was told differently. His orders were to report to Fort Sheridan in combat gear every other weekend for three months. He would then receive his next set of orders.

Since Iraq fell quickly, at the end of his three months, he received final orders that said that he would not be called up again. He packed his gear and went home for the last time.

I remember feeling this huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. My mom could stop crying.

But, now, with the situation on Iraq only getting worse each day, the government has created a "Stop Loss" program. This program means that all current active duty forces can and usually do have their active duty contract extended without their consent. It's meant to not have another Vietnam.

In Vietnam, hundreds of soldiers were dying because they were newbies; inexperienced and grossly undertrained. President "You can serve but I won't" Bush doesn't want another Vietnam, so, his administration enacted this program.

It keeps me up at night. If this administration is willing to not only ship siblings overseas (against the armed forces' "Sullivan" clause) and is willing to send men and women back over to that shithole, when will my brothers get called up?

I know that if Bush stays in office, it will be just be a matter of time before my brothers get called back up.

If you just happen to have someone who is so enraptured by Bush and his Hilter-esque regime, have them go here. It shows that Bush and his goonies can't separate Church and State and also has the platform of the Texas Republican party. It's very fucking scary.

I want to close this with an entry I found at one of the blogs I read. It's a rather brilliant analysis of when Bush will dodge the third debate. He will, folks. It will be about domestic policy. The million plus lost jobs, the economy that's in the toilet, his budget cuts for Medicare and for veterans.

The blog is here. Feel free to sign and spread it far and wide.

I had this dream the other night.

I dreamed that I wanted to move ahead, to move forward. I didn't know why, or, what it was that was ahead that I wanted to either be at or see.

Someone kept pushing me back by my shoulders. They would hold me back, grabbing only my shoulders. It was someone that I know, but, not someone close to me. Like a political figure or someone like that.

I don't know what it means. Or what it could mean.

Strange.

No, I'm not watching the VP debates. I'd rather shove pepper up my nose. I'd rather have explosive diarrhea. I'd rather be subjected to straight porn for two hours. I'd rather be in a room of fat sweaty straight guys hitting on me.

You getting my drift?

I have an email to send to someone. This woman had the words and sense of mind to bring to light a tension that has existed in the group for some time.

This group is currently going in two directions; one being the "showy" activist and the other being the "real" activist.

Let me explain; "showy" activists are the members who decide to be an activist when the press is guaranteed to be around. They do it when the result "justifies" the effort.

I consider myself one of the "real" activists. We are the ones who show up for just about everything that we can. We don't do everything; we choose what will have the most "impact" (i.e. a combination of press and networking potential), and, we choose what we do because we are passionate about what we choose. We are the ones who actually have arguments over what we can't do simply because there is so much. Too much. We don't care about the justification of effort; our mutual passion guides us.

I understand that there are those who simply cannot do these things because of their job or other pursuits. I don't sell them short because of this. As I stated in the meeting, different people have different passions in different levels. That's how it works.

If these two factions don't resolve their issues, it could tear the group apart. It's that simple, yet that serious.

To add to the pressure, EMN is the only gay marriage rights group in the nation. There is no other group like us. Nowhere. Not in San Fran, New York, San Diego, L.A., West Hollywood....NOWHERE.

We've come to a crossroads that questions the very purpose and future of our group.

What do we do NOW?

Every other so-called "gay rights" group has fallen under the spell of the "We Must Support Kerry" mantra. We haven't. In doing so, we may have spelled out our own doom.

We decided that it would be best to try to reach out to the other gay rights groups, and, go from there. See if we can get them to hop on board with our petition drive so that we can make an impact at home. Go from here.

We have created an exploratory committee to reach out to the other groups. We will start our work next week, as our head (the woman I mentioned earlier) has her hands full with the International Socialist Conference at the UIC campus this weekend.

I was too pissed to be able to vocalize this earlier. I usually don't need 24 hours to cool off before I write about something, but, I needed to do it for this. I was frustrated and if I had tried to convey the source of it, I would have come off as a total bitch and would have probably gotten myself kicked out of the group.

But, now that I have, I'm going to sign off for now. I have an email to write and some grocery shopping to do.

Shitty day at work.

Shitty meeting last night. It would have been more bearable if my "potential thing" had shown up.

These past two days have been shitty.

I'm off to take a nap.

I'll write more later.

Okay, so, she didn't show up.

DAMN!!!!!

But, I've spoken to a mutual friend, and, I've let my "interest" be known.

I'm pretty sure she's single.

We shall see.

It's time for bed now. I hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. Lord knows I couldn't last night.

I want to write about the meeting tonight. I'm just too pissed off to do so. I didn't even go for $1 drinks at Hydrate tonight. I'm that pissed.

Just a little note before I leave for my EMN meeting.

Something that I didn't put down before.

At the auction, I felt that there was at least one woman who had wished that I had bid on her. And won.

Last night, I got that feeling again because that woman was at G's birthday party.

We left the party together. It felt like she made it a point to leave with me.

As we stepped out of the elevator, we were making small talk. As if to find a reason to not leave.

When we got to the sidewalk, I looked at her and said "Well, the train station is that way", pointing south on Clark, "and my car is this way", pointing north on Clark. We looked at each other for a bit (a long bit, the kind that says "it sucks we have to leave separately). and said goodnight to each other.

I would have walked with her to the train station, but, I was preoccupied with my bitchy mother who had left me several very angry messages on my cell phone.

I've been telling myself for the past 24 hours that things happen for a reason. I haven't been able to sleep a wink.

I hope she shows up to the meeting tonight. I really, really, really do.

The rally was great. My throat is as sore as hell. My voice is almost gone.

And one of the women that I mentioned in my earlier post is no longer single. Turns out the woman who bid on her at the bachelor/bachelorette auction and she have a thing going on.

God bless her. I hope it works for the best.

I have to wind down now. I still have a big smile across my face. The kind of smile that makes you drive your car with the windows down half yelling/half singing songs like the Killers' "Somebody Told Me" and Frou Frou's "Let Go".

It's times like this that I love my life the most.

The hole in my soul grows smaller still. It is healing itself because I am healing it.

I have a purpose once again. I don't just exist. I feel, I think, I act, I hear myself talk, I hear other people talk to me in turn.

I live.

I am.

Are you?

Well, well, well..........

So, today at work, I had one of my stupid quarterly meetings. Stupid, stupid, stupid......

An interesting thing though, during our company video, they mentioned getting out to vote. "Wow, did I just hear that?" I thought. "Did I just hear my company's spokesperson mention something about voting? Like going out and doing it?" It was the first time (that I can recall) that voting was ever mentioned in any type of company communication, other than the "give the employee two hours off during their shift to vote" clause.

I'm not shocked though. Retailers like my company have suffered in this recession, while "high-end" retailers like J. Crew, Banana Republic and others have seen huge gains in their sales.

Yeah, this is the end result of those tax-cuts that were supposed to "stimulate" the economy. They stimulated somebody's economy, just not the middle class'.

Let's face it, who works in those "high end" retailers? Mostly the kids whose parents shop there, and, snobby bitches who wouldn't give me or any other working class stiff the time of day. All the tax cuts did was circulate rich money to rich money. I sure as hell didn't see any of it.

Enough about that.

I saw my therapist today. Turns out I had a lot to get off of my chest.

My mother is trying to wear me down. She attempted to start a fight with me the other day because of my being involved in an activist group.

"It costs money to do all those things. I bet you're spending an extra $10 a week on public transportation." She says.

"I'm sure as hell not going to sit around the house and feel sorry for myself. I've told you that I've gone looking for a part-time job, and, I've never gotten a call back. I've dropped of applications at places that weren't hiring so that maybe they would look at my application."

"You just weren't looking hard enough."

"Look, I know what you want me to do. You want me to sit around the house feeling sorry for myself, stewing in my own juices. It's not gonna happen. I'm not going to sit here with you all the time feeling like shit. I'm doing this and that's it. I'm not gonna sit on my ass."

I walked away and that was the end of my part of the discussion. She kept going, but I was done.

My mother has a nasty habit of doing this. She starts fights instead of saying how she really feels. To her fighting equals love. This equation used to make sense to me as well.

That was until I unraveled the noose of abuse from around my neck. I began to realize that yelling, screaming, punching, kicking and slapping were not love. I began to understand that fighting never fixes anything; it is merely release. I began to understand that the abuser can control what they did, they simply choose not to. I began to understand the most important thing that anyone who has ever been abused needs to understand; I am human.

I am human; I am not an animal who needs to be beaten to be corrected. I can to be spoken to and I can listen, hear and understand. I am a human who has value. I understand that my life is precious and I have worth. With this realization, the noose came off. I was no longer choking on the pattern of abuse that I could have fallen victim to; instead, I saw past all of it. I saw past the pain and the suffering, the images of beatings and kickings and verbal belittlement. I saw myself.

I am precious. If to no one else but me.

I must love myself before I can love someone else.

A great segway to the other half of my session.

"So, have you met someone?" my therapist asks.

"Oh yeah" I said. "There are several women there that I think are absolutely drop-dead sexy. I wouldn't ask any of them out."

"Why not?"

"Right now, I can barely afford myself, let alone taking on the task of being able to go out with someone else. I need to get myself situated first."

"What do you mean?"

"I need to get out of this bankruptcy first. I've got bills that need to be paid. I need to get myself some kind of money cushion. Then I'll worry about that."

She nods her head in agreement.

"Besides, I love what I'm doing in this group. I'm not going to screw it up by dating someone who's in it as well. I won't take that chance."

As I continue to look at my therapist, I can't help but wonder if she thinks that my anxiety is getting in the way. In fact, I'm sure she thinks it is.

Well, I can't change what she thinks. That's one thing I've had to learn over this past year. I can't change other people; I can only what them to.

For as hot as I think that several of the women are, I just won't risk it. I can't bear to even think of leaving this group or forcing anybody else to the same, especially of my own doing.

This choice has left me with nothing more than my expansive and absolutely filthy imagination and the company of my vibrator to satiate it. For as crappy as it sounds, I wouldn't go back on it.