I'm good.

Sorry that I haven't written in a long time. An excessively long time.

Thanks for the well wishes for my vacation. It was great. As always, it ended too soon.

For the most part, all I did was watch cable and movies, listen to music, surf the net, or sleep late.

It was good to spend the time with the bf, just to get a taste of what I'd be getting into. Madison is a beautiful place. Rural two lane roads run within the city limits; there is a ton of farmland that lies within Madison.

There are lots of trees and grass. None of the orange "city" glow that you get at night, making the stars invisible. No haze in the sky. The sun goes down late up there.

The people are great and friendly. The bf fits in well here, and, I hope to as well.

But, I'm already talking about Bridge D when I haven't even gotten to B yet.

There is a setback that has made the distance to Bridge D longer.

Because of my bankruptcy, I can't leave the state until the end of July, the earliest. Turns out that even though I'll have paid off my bankruptcy with the second paycheck this month, the trustee will continue to garnish my checks until an audit of my case is completed. Such an audit could take 4 to 6 weeks.

My attorney forgot to tell me about this slight detail that is putting a cramp in my plans.

But, that will fix itself in time.

But, for right now, I can't see Bridge B yet. The path to it is still there, but, it's gotten a bit harder to see the goal right now.

Last night, I decided to call the bf back before he went to bed, since the first time he called me, I was under a bit of stress and couldn't speak with him on any real level; all I could handle was pleasantries.

When I called him back, he said that he really couldn't tell that I was stressed, which relieved me. He then informed me that he received a response to his profile at Match.com that went something along the lines of "Trains and Europe are cool" or something like that.

He told me a bit about her and the pics that were on her profile. He let me know that he was going to respond to her and all, which by me is cool. What wasn't cool was what he said after all that.

"If there's any potential, I'll let you know."

Really?

I understood the words that came out of his mouth, but what I feel he really said to me was;

"Hey, you know all that talk about us moving in together? About how I say that if we work out, we could be getting married in a couple of years and all that? Yeah, I'm willing to throw that away just to go out on a date with some chick that I barely know. That's how important you are to me."

Dare I say that a big part of my problem with this is that I'm not sticking to my own word, so to speak. I was out the other night with another member of GLN doing some postering and stuff, and, was asked if this "change" is permanent or not. My response was "I don't know. I'm just enjoying the ride right now." I'm simply chanting my mantra, not actually practicing it because I let myself believe what I was being told.

If I'm dating someone that I feel is willing to be like this, I really shouldn't be taking them so seriously.

But, before I continue this train of thought, I tell myself, I need to backtrack a bit.

Before I continue, I have to explain something. My definition of the word "single".

To me (to most people in my life experiences) the words "single" means that you are unattached, not seeing anybody, completely free of any bonds of a potential long-term relationship.

For several months now, the bf has been trying to close his account at Match.com. This has involved fighting a charge to his credit card for renewal even though he didn't approve it.

It didn't bother me that he had the account or even that he kept getting emails almost every day with potential matches. It didn't bother me that he would look at them. Hell, he'd even look at them while I was at his place and would let me see them.

What bugged me is that here he is, a man who is, by my definition, no longer single, who is dating someone who he keeps saying that he's happy with, and all that.

When someone (again in my experience) finds someone that they become serious with, most often than not, they tend to forget about personal ads that they've placed in the past, unless a renewal charge comes up for them; then they usually cancel the service and go on.

I found it a bit strange to discover that the bf had gone and updated his profile with his new location, despite the fact that he was not only trying to cancel the service, but he longer fit the usual meaning of "single".

This other woman contacted him with the intent of speaking to a "single" guy. The bf's profile on Match.com (according to him) says that he is "single".

Before I do or say anything else to him, I need to know what his definition of "single" is.

I left him a message on his voicemail. The ball is in his court.

Okay, no headline here.

I'm on vacation this week, and, I've been up in Madison since Saturday afternoon.

It's strange being in a place where big city aura is run by small-town thought.

It's very quiet here, and, unlike Chicago, I can look up at the night sky and actually see stars. The big dipper is currently residing directly above the apartment I'm at.

There are railroad tracks that run nearly three miles north and south of the apartment complex. The bf and I walked up and down the tracks for three hours yesterday before coming home to make queso fundido, frijoles con chorizo and carne asada.

Actually, I made all that food while the bf put up pictures. He wanted to wait until I came up here so that I could have some say in where the pics go.

I know it's my vacation, and, I should be relaxing, but, the bathroom and the kitchen here are in dire need of cleaning, so, I'll take are of those before the bf gets home from work.

Blogger downtime prevented me from publishing my last post. No warning caused me to lose almost two hours of thought and energy. Punk-ass bitches.

Anyway, while I'm here, I'll be looking up some of the GLBT clubs and groups so that I can continue to make trouble while I'm here.

More in the next few days, folks.

Could it be a bone, perhaps?

Hmmmm.

I looked at the job opening board at work yesterday, and, discovered that there is a supervisor spot at a store about 10 minutes away from where the boyfriend lives now.

A supervisor spot. Promotion. More money.

It could also mean that I would be moving an entire month ahead of schedule. And depending on the boyfriend to use his car until I can buy one of my own.

But, I'd be living with him sooner than planned.

Interesting, I'd say.

Let's see how much meat is on this bone, shall we?

It a weird thing to do......

Just for the hell of it, I decided to look back at the very first month of this blog. Just reading the first few entries, I can already see how much I've changed.

I won't say "grown" or "matured", because let's face it, I'm 32 years old. If I haven't gotten my act together by now, I never will. I'd be fucked, and not in a good way.

As I sit here in front of the keyboard trying to form these words to write in sentences to put in this post, I'm nibbling on string cheese sticks, all the while thinking back on what's happened this past year.

Let's recap, shall we?

I broke up with my girlfriend.
I'm only a few months away from paying off my Chapter 13.
I lost 45 pounds.
I lost two-thirds of my wardrobe.
I gained my self-confidence back.
I've learned that my mother's flaws are not my flaws, and her fears will not be my fears.
I lost my car.
I've gained a new appreciation for public transit.
I've gotten new grey hairs on my head.
My hair is the longest it's been in almost 8 years.
I've learned that finding fault is only your guilt making excuses.
I have ezcema.
I take much better care of myself than I have in 15 years.
I've learned that I'm stuck with my acne until I'm at least 45 years old.
I've learned that my brothers will be irresponsible for the rest of their lives, and, I can't change that. I can just kick their asses.
I've accepted the fact that I will probably be the last of the children to get married, but, the first to have kids. Fucked up considering I'm the oldest.
I know what I what in my life partner, and, out of life.
I'm scared that it could be in front of me right now.
I've learned not to think with my hormones, but with my head.
Despite the fact that I have G.A.D., I'm not as anxious as I used to be.
I really don't need all the shit I have, even now.
It's okay to apologize. There's nothing wrong with saying you're sorry, especially if you did something wrong.
Things still piss me off sometimes, it's just not worth staying angry about them.
I think about what I buy before, during and after I buy things.
Sometimes, I return stuff I bought because I really don't need it.
There is a difference between "need" and "want".
I can fall in love with a man. I know this because I have.
I have debts that I need to pay, especially before I leave Chicago.
I joined a gay rights activist group.
I left a gay rights activist group to join another.
I still love God.
I attended an Easter service in a church and didn't throw up or start "protesting".
I can say "I love you" and mean it. Really mean it.
I'm not the only one who needs to be in therapy.
I'm a "recovering" Catholic.
I have actually met and gotten to know transgendered folks. When I fight for their rights, it's not just lip service to an anonymous person anymore.
I'm still attracted to women, but, it's not worth the risk of losing what I have now.
I shut up to let other people finish speaking.

I've found more of myself this past year than ever before. I know that there's still a lot more to learn, and, I've got the time to learn about it. More importantly, I'm with someone who understands that about me and it doesn't scare him.