Guilt at the speed of life.....

Shit always seems to go down when I'm not around. That's either good or bad, I'm not sure.

But, some serious hardcore shit went down at work on the day side of things during the last week of my overnights.

I can't say what it is, only because it will pin-point where I work, but, I will say that the customer service supervisor, 2 seniors and all of our full-time cashiers are on suspension. They will probably lose their jobs. Over some stupid shit, too.

Turns out our front-end has been running on back-up cylinders. If all those people get fired, that will be some fucked up mess.

It looks like I'll be going to work this whole week out of uniform, which will be nice. It just blows my mind how customers still walk up to me and ask me questions, knowing full well I'm not in uniform. I was wearing a bright orange SpongeBob shirt and shorts. How much more out of uniform did I have to be to get people to not talk to me? Are people really that fucking stupid?

Hmm, I guess that some retail customers are too stupid for their own good.

Anyway.....

I do have something to ask of you, my readers.

I have received several emails off of profiles I've either updated or started up recently, sent by couples looking for a "third" partner, to add a little "spice" to their relationship.

Now, my being Mexican and all might be considered by some as "exotic", but, this isn't quite the spice I was thinking of.

Is there something in my posts or my writing style that screams "Fuck Me!"?
Have I ever written about a desire to have a threesome in any of my posts?

I don't ever recall doing so. If I ever have, will someone please let me know?

Thank you.

I was off this whole weekend and did nothing but hide in my air-conditioned bedroom. I got up early Sunday and did my running around quickly. 101 degrees is a great motivator for me staying in my bedroom.

So, that's about it. It looks like I'll have dinner plans with an online friend I've been chatting with for some time Saturday, but, that's about it.

I know, I sound so exciting, don't I?

It's done.......

My overnights are over. They are done.

Doesn't mean the job itself is over, no, no. Multiple orders were placed for signage and fixtures, and, they are all probably coming to the store next week. Which would explain why myself and another co-worker are scheduled to be "off the floor" so to speak, and out of uniform.

It's being called "remodel bounceback". What it should be called is "Hurry it up and finish this shit already, and, while you're at it, get all of this shit out of the warehouse". Call it what it is people.

If my mom hadn't called me around 10:30 tonight to let me know where she was at, I probably would have slept the entire night and woke up sometime tomorrow afternoon. That's frightening.

Now begins the catch-up part, mostly with laundry and cleaning up my room. I have friends I haven't emailed in weeks, and, I haven't been the most consistent in up-keeping my blog either. There are a lot of things that have gathered a layer of dust, it's just that my store isn't one of them.

Here's something for ya.....

I just got this image in my head....it seems to clarify for me how I view my relationships in the past and now.

Imagine a steel bridge with a series of ropes going across. Imagine that there is no bottom, no place to put your feet, so, the only way you are going to get across back and forth is by tying the ropes together in a certain fashion.

Imagine that as you are tying those ropes, you realize that you don't need all of them attached to the bridge, and, you begin to cut some down. That is me and what I am doing now, and have been doing. But, in the past, I would pre-judge which ropes to cut, only to realize afterwards that I needed some of those ropes after all.

But now, I am older and wiser, so, I cut after I tie, not before.

So now, I am standing on one of those rope knots I've made for my bridge, and, I realize that there is an extra rope behind me. As I walk closer to it, I see that it is stretched taut; I look down to see that someone is hanging from it. This is someone who wants to be a friend, a rope in my bridge, but, doesn't know why. I can't see where this person can fit....I don't need their rope.

I lift my arm, machete in hand, and I start to swing to cut it, and then stop. I look down again at this person, recollecting certain events in their life, and, how they mirror my own, the difference being that we've made different choices. They have gone on to live what I come closer and closer to believing.....no, I can't say that. We've just made different choices, that's all.

I believe that my hesitation is grounded in pity/disgust, but, I don't want those to be the reasons why I cut the rope.

So, each day I come closer to deciding whether I cut the rope or not, and, the person at the end just keeps hanging on.

This will get me in a bit of a bind with someone, but, oh well.....

Ugh, finally.....

Okay, so, I'm done with work for the week.

I'll have several loads of filthy clothes to wash tomorrow; I have to wait until then because I'm broke.

I have a small "gash" on my forehead, courtesy of a fixture falling and hitting me directly in the face. It took almost 30 minutes for the blood to coagulate, which means that I probably should have gone to the ER to have it looked at. Eh, too late; it's already beginning to heal.

I was at work for 14+ hours today, with a one hour lunch. I so did not pack enough food or drink.

Last thing.....

I asked a buddy of mine "Why?.....Why?"

He looked at me and said, "I don't know why baby girl. I just don't know."

I'll leave it at that.

And I will be back later.

These overnights are killing me. 9, 10 hour days with only two breaks and an hour lunch.

My clothes are absolutely filthy, and, I come home exhausted every day.

The only thing I'm looking forward to now is the weekend. I'm planning on being busy both nights.

This is all I have the strength to type.

It's what's for dessert.

Okay, I'm going to post this just for shits and giggles. I received this in an email, and, I guess that I'm just curious, so, here goes....

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, Which would you choose?
Pick your dessert, then look to see what Psychiatrists think about you!

1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue
4. Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate on Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake

Feel free to either leave your choice in the comments section or just keep it to yourself. I'll be putting the choice results in another post in the next several days. I personally chose brownies, only because I'm allergic to strawberries.


My body aches right now. Muscles I didn't even know I had got a workout over the past four nights. From mid-chest down to my knees, I ache.

I survived long enough to attend the El Foro meeting. I volunteered for the steering committee, since the group wants to create an advocacy/legal group, which would include calls to rally/protest and keeping tabs on governing bodies to find out who is LGBTQ friendly and who is not.

My curiosity is peaked. We shall see I guess.

I plan on resting, taking pain killers, stuffing my face and waiting for Deb to call to let me know what is going on. I've been trying to get a hold of her for the past three days now. That woman is killing me.

As for the overnights themselves, for the most part, it's a shitload of work. I'm working with the ex's former crew, and, they are having way too much fun at his expense. Ever since I told one of them that he broke up with me, they've been imitating certain habits of his and mocking his musical choice (predominately classical). Dare I say that they really don't miss him very much.

Hmmm, that's all I'm going to say about that .

(9:13pm) - Deb just called; her mom is out of ICU, and, doctors have decided to work on getting rid of the infection first. Fun stuff.

Well, this is pretty much it, I guess.

Don't you worry.

I'm still alive.

Working 12+ hour shifts every night for the past several nights has severely cut into my post time. Heck, it's cut into "me" time and everything else. I've received several offers to go out that I've had to turn down because of my schedule.

The good thing is that I have this Saturday night off. The bad thing is that I'm broke; I've spent almost $60 between Mountain Dew, Gatorade and energy drinks to get me through this week.

Deb's mother was in the hospital as of Monday. Turns out she has an infection, along with a slew of other things, including having had a heart attack. The last I heard, doctors were debating whether to perform surgery on her; they weren't sure if her body could take the shock of an infection and invasion. It's been killing me not being able to be there or hear from Deb.

Times like this are trying times.

I'm hungry, tired, broke and worried.

Yeah.

It's times like these......

Last night was hard. Really fucking hard.

It's not that I'm not used to being alone here in the apartment, but, last night, I was alone.

I hate it when I realize that I am that "kind" of alone.

The only other time it happened was the Saturday of the week the ex dumped me. It nearly put me to tears then, and almost did now.

That was hard to type out.

I've always been the obligatory "Rock of Gibraltar" for my family. When my Oma passed away, when we put Hero to sleep, when I put Spunky down, I've always been the one to keep things together for everyone else.

I've never allowed myself to show emotion until recently. I've always thought it made me look very unattractive.

I've just never wanted to let anyone in that far.

Hmmmm, I don't know what the point was in putting that here.

Anyway, this fucking rain has put such a cramp in my plans of sun and barbecue. I was hoping to even out my tan and grill up some burgers and beef franks that I bought yesterday.

There's always tomorrow for me.

Yeah, my overnights begin tomorrow. I'll be doing them for about a week or two, then it will be back to day-side for me.

I have three, four emails to write before I go to bed tonight.

I've been praticing for the overnights already. I was up until 3am this morning, and, I'll be up later than that tonight. I figure if I can make it until 4:30am or so, I'll be fine.

The next several days should be interesting. Wednesday night, I have my meeting with GLN, then Saturday morning, I have to run into the city for El Foro, which will run until 2pm. Ugh.

It'll be only for a little while, I tell myself.

I got so wasted Saturday night. Another ugh.

Well, that's it.

Time for me to sign off this thing, and, send off those emails.

By the way, Blogger's photo tool sucks ass. A big, fat, crusty, sweaty, stinky ass.

Fix it you bastards!

And, finally.........

You are Willow Rosenburg

Willow Rosenberg

"I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz."

What "Buffy" Character Are You?

The return of blog shit!!!!!!!!!!

You did what?

Well, I survived dinner with the ex yesterday.
It was strange, really. He made a statement that I felt compelled to shoot down, not because it was true, but, because I didn't want it to be.
He said that it sounded like I was more over him than he was over me.

He was right.

I've been feeling guilty about that fact for a while now. I've even discussed this with my friend Cindy, and, she's told me not to feel guilty about my feelings. I still do, though.

Yes, I've gone on a couple of dates, but, it doesn't mean that I am completely over him.

There were several times that he got that "look" in his eyes, the kind that I used to look for, the one that says "let me kiss you". When that happened, I looked away.

It's not a line in the sand, like I said; it's the Great Wall of China.

Hmmmm. I'll have to sit on this for a bit.

I just finally got out of bed several hours ago. I was out until 4:30 this morning. I'm slowly remembering what I did last night, which included lifting up my shirt several times. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

I really do need to get my ass in gear. I need to finally take a shower and I've got at least three loads of laundry to do.

Ick.

Yeah, it's me again......




Yeah, there I am in the white t-shirt and olive shorts. I love those shorts, despite the fact that they make me look much heavier than I actually am.

The blond chick smiling at the camera is totally fucking hot. I couldn't figure out if she was single or not; she was there with another woman, but, they weren't terribly affectionate, so, I'm guessing "possibly single".

This was me before the sunburn. In the background is the pickup truck that was our makeshift float. I'm loading a heavy duty staple gun to finish securing a pink banner to several sticks. Cute blond lady helped. The t-shirt she's wearing is from one of the online womyn's groups I'm part of. I wanted to get one, but, having money for my dinner date was more important.

Speaking of that, I haven't heard back from L, and, I don't plan on it anymore. Besides, I'm chatting with several other women, so, it's no loss to me.

Hmmm, that's it for now. I have several more pics to take, and, then film to drop off to be developed before seeing "Land of the Dead" this evening.