As my brain churns.....I lost sleep last night over my own post. That has never happened before. It's exciting and frightening at the same time, digging away at something as core as these concepts. No milk added some insight to my post, something that even in my state of "open-mindedness" I failed to see. Straights are queer too. I've seen them genderfuck, cross-dress, get off on "gay" porn, etc. They can be just as queer as the next person. On, and I could give my two cents about Katrina, but, number one, I wouldn't be telling you something that you don't already know, and, number two, I want folks to remember that these were states that voted for the continued incompetence of Bush and Associates back in 2004. Both states were red. The Bush administration did not, and, to date, still has not created a contingency plan for a massive devastation event such as what happened with Katrina. Even after 9/11!I'm not saying that everyone in those states voted for put the monkey back in office, but, for those who did, you should not be surprised. To all those red staters who are sending their money or heading over to volunteer time and/or resources, just remember that Bush is still smiling while doing nothing and Connie is still on vacation, probably showing off those Prada shoes she just bought today. But, now comes part two of my post. While my brain turned and thoughts twirled in my head, I slowly began to realize something. I've begun to realize that I just cannot identify with the label "lesbian" anymore. It doesn't fit. It's not that I've stopped being attracted to women; quite the opposite, really. It's just that I'm beginning to realize that I just can't call myself a "lesbian" anymore. I feel like, after all this time, the label is finally suffocating me. It feels like a thin, slimy layer covering my skin, stopping even the smallest part of me from breathing. What identified me years ago confines me now.
When I first came out, I came out to a group of women who had these set "rules & expectations" about who should be what, what they should be doing, wearing, etc.
I accepted these "standards" as what was "normal" within the lesbian community.
My acceptance had a lot to do with my lack of experience, both as a lesbian and as a human. After all, if you don't know what you're doing, then you usually try to find some "role models" to follow until you learn. Or, at least until you find your voice to help you learn about yourself. If that makes any sense.As a lesbian, it almost feels like you sign a contract of sorts that says you agree to do certain things, like never act on an attraction to a man, you're supposed to "hate" men to a certain extent, that you're supposed to be either butch or femme, butches don't date butches, femmes don't date femmes, etc, etc....It's just not ME.It's not who I think of "me" as. I like to think for myself, and, judge things for myself. I don't take what's fed to me for granted. I challenge authority, even in the most subtle ways. I challenge perceptions and ideals. It's not that I do it because I can , I do it because I'm compelled to.I'm not fond of labels anymore. I refer to myself as "lesbian" for the sake of the convenience of others, but, that's about it. I can't turn off my attraction to men; it doesn't just simply go away. By making this proclamation however, I'm not short-changing my sexuality; if anything, I was short-changing it by declaring myself simply "lesbian". I feel as though I had forcing myself to fit someone else's mold. I'm me, not them. My past relationship with a man has opened my eyes to this reality. I don't consider myself "bisexual" primarily because I don't really look at men as sexual objects, usually just as potential sperm donors. I'm usually looking like, "Wow, he has great lips" or "What great hair!" or "I love his physique; with my metabolism..."But, I digress.I shouldn't be forced to shut down parts of me to fit a model or a role. I shouldn't have ignore my heart, body or soul to mesh with society. Why should I be forced to fit into a certain role? So that I can gain your approval? Sorry, Captain Self-centered Shitface, but, it's not your approval I seek; all I want to do is find "me" and express myself the way I want, not a way you deem acceptable.This is the argument that the LGBT community presents to straights who actively discriminate against us. But, it's also the same view I present to them. I knew that at some point in my life, I would have to cross this bridge; I just didn't think it would be such a task to do so. It's not that I seek accountability for my actions and choices; that's God's job. All I want is to find a place on my shelf of life-experiences to put this one. I want to make it fit, and, right now, under the label of "lesbian" it just doesn't. So, after a lot of thought, I've come to realize that I just don't fit into the concept of "lesbian", or, maybe it's just that I've outgrown it. A source of my dilemma is the fact that I know that there are lesbians out there who have had these same questions, and, weren't really sure what to do with them, or even how to answer them. They just simply fell back on what they knew, and, for them, that provided an answer. For me, it does not. Perhaps it's the label itself that bothers me. Can I try to change it? Should I? Better yet, why don't do just simply present myself as me and let those who choose to get to know "me" instead of just another "lesbian" or "queer"? I'm afraid that no one will want to get to know me then. People are just too lazy. People require a label so that they can sort everyone to their own categories before making the effort to get to know the person behind the label. I present interesting and very real obstacles.But now what?
