Hello everyone

My promotion at work has kept me very busy for the past week, and, it looks like I'll be going without a day off until the 22nd, two days before the Pride Pararde.

But I wanted to post this very quickly until then.

Welcome to George Bush's AMERIKA (courtesy of an listserv I belong to)

Book Burning Lives during Gay Pride month

Friends,

Some time around or just after 12:30 p.m. today (Tuesday) person or persons unknown started a fire in the Gay and Lesbian (GLBT) book collection of the John Merlo branch of the Chicago Public Library at 644 W. Belmont.

The fire destroyed about 100 gay books, mostly fiction, and damaged others, some of which appear to be the only ones in the entire Chicago Public Library system.

The gay specialist reference librarian who curates the collection is currently taking an inventory of what is no longer usable.Police and fire departments have been brought in as well as senior library personnel.

At this point, we do not have any more information. We hardly need to point out the implications (and tradition) of book burning, of attacks on gays and gay symbols, and that the Merlo branch library goes out of its way to be gay friendly.

It is Gay Pride month, less than two weeks until the Gay Pride parade.

Some readers may recall a Chicago Free Press article and commentary column about the gay collection last March.

But remember boys and girls, the gay bashers don't hate us! They love the sinner, but, hate the sin.

Blah, blah, blah..........

If you happen to have any info on this situation, please feel free to email me at LatinLez@gmail.com.

Don't get any ideas to send hate mail and crap like that; it's an email account I don't use all the time.

Latin

Drum roll, please.......

I have several things on my "to do" list for today. One of them is to pound out emails to several women, one of whom will get priority. Uh, don't get excited, it's to Deb's kinda-sorta-maybe-could be-should be-might not be girlfriend. The other three are to women that I've been chatting with. Those might take a back seat, though.

The second thing is this post.

I've been mulling over in my head how to begin to convey all of this mess, but, all that effort has resulted in nothing more than a head-ache, although I was able to get three loads of laundry done.

So, I'll just shoot from the hip here, and, do the best I can.

So, the woman that I previously mentioned and I finally met last weekend. In hindsight, it was a disaster from the get-go. Up until the moment that we met, she was confident and sure of herself. She could speak to me effortlessly and freely. She had no problem conveying her attraction to me, whether it be by email, TM or phone. Several of her TMs as well as her last email to me were very suggestive.

But that all changed when she walked through the door.

The woman who walked in was quiet, reserved, withdrawn, soon to become distracted and indifferent.

The ride to her place was one of the most uncomfortable I have ever been on. Understand that I had taken countless numbers of rides with my brothers, the three of us stuck in the back seat of what was then my dad's 1988 Chevy Beretta (it became mine in 1997 when my dad gave me the title as a graduation gift from college; that's a whole other story), driving all the way down to Mexico City and back again. THAT was unbearable and uncomfortable. So, I'd like to think that I have a pretty good gauge of what's uncomfortable and what's not, you know?

Now, she takes care of a woman who has MS, and, has for years; I give her credit where credit is due. I don't think that I would have that much dedication for a total stranger, so, she has a love for people that I certainly don't. I certainly don't hate people, I work retail for pete's sake, but, she has something I don't.

The entire time I was there, it felt like she was avoiding me altogether. I knew fully well that she had a patient to take care of, but, we spoke for maybe an hour's worth of time while I was there. It seemed like her friends were making a better effort to include me in their conversations than she was.

We spoke for a longer period of time while she was driving me back; it was almost as if she felt bad for me and wanted to talk to me out of sympathy more than anything else. As Deb put it, it was like she was glad I was going home, and, expressed her excitement via conversation.

I sent her a TM saying that I wanted to talk to her about what happened. She repsonded saying that she would call me the next day. Unfortunately, my frustration and disappointment would let me wait that long, so, I send her an email.

In the email, I expressed all of my frustration, anger and hurt. I was disappointed, hurt and shocked, to say the least.

I checked my email the next day, via my cellphone, and, found her response. She said that she was hurt by my email, so hurt that she couldn't talk to me.

I don't know how she could have been hurt, considering the fact that she showed absolutely no emotion while I was there, and, seemed to have made it a point to make sure I didn't physically come into contact with her.

So, what would you think?

I asked this of both my best friend, and, my therapist. They both had the same answer; that she didn't want me there. She didn't like me, and, there was no attraction at all.

So, a few days later, we finally chat; again, she said that she was too hurt to talk to me on the phone, so, I had to settle for an online conversation.

I let her tell me her side first. It turns out that having me over at her place was a huge step for her, as she was wary after her previous relationship to let someone in, both physically and emotionally. That I would have understood, had she told me. I asked her why she didn't tell me how big of a step this was for her; her response was that I should have asked. I told her that I wasn't a mind reader, and, once again, she said that I should have asked.

I don't think that I was that far off the mark to assume that my being there wouldn't be that huge an issue for her considering the fact that she invited me. She kept saying that she was "processing" everything. I even asked her what she was processing while I was there, and, the answer I got was "everything, you know".

Gee, that helps.

While she was getting her story out, all I typed back to her was the word "okay". Over and over again I put that out there to show her that I wanted to get her side of things before I said anything. I even asked her if she was finished before I began.

As I was getting my side of things out, she kept interjecting, kept putting in her two cents before I could even finish a sentence. She passed judgment before even I got the chance to finish my thoughts. There was even a point that she started using the word "fuck". It's not the word that bothers me; any of you who read my blog constantly knows that. It's the fact that I made the effort to be civil and proper, and, she couldn't even return the favor.

Yeah, it was an emotional conversation; that could not have been avoided. But I'd like to at least see someone make the effort to show the same level of respect that I do.

At one point, she even had the nerve to imply that I was a slut for asking for something as simple as a hug. Wow, I was shocked at that, and, at the same time grateful that I found this out now, before I really got involved with her.

Towards the end, she made me an offer.

She said to me that she wanted to start over again, for us to start again, but, with a catch. She said to me that she would not tell me how she felt or what she thought about me before we met in person.

So, I asked her this..."So, let me get this right....you want withhold emotions and feelings from me as punishment?"

Response....... "You're punishing yourself. You did this to yourself."

Really???? She can't communicate her feelings and emotions, and that's my fault???? Not only is that crap, but, she's a hypocrite. During our phone conversations, she was talking about her concerns with intimacy and my not being able to convey my feelings. I agreed with her on those things, but, when you ask those things of a person, and, can't do that thing yourself, hypocrite is the term that comes to mind.

I kept that to myself though. I asked the same question in a different manner, one that would not give her an avenue to insult me and blame me for everything, including her own flaws.

"So, you want to be my friend, and, hold this 'rabbit's foot' over my head as something that I will never attain? Like a pot of gold that I'll never get?"

No response.

At that point, I let her know about my decision, the decision that I had already made before we even chatted.

I told her that I did not want to be her friend, and, certainly did not want to be her girlfriend, knowing that I wasn't getting all of her.

We parted ways, and, I told her that I would send her a money order for all the stuff she bought for me, for my part of dinner Friday night, and gas.

****************************************************************

So, what's the real reason why I didn't want to be her friend?

It's simple really.

If I had agreed to her "terms", I would have put her in a position to do to me what her ex did to her.....withhold emotions, thoughts and feelings. Her ex treated her like shit, cheated on her several times, never communicated with her and, took way too much advantage for her. I wanted to be different for her because I am different. I wanted the chance to show her that. But if someone doesn't give me that chance, it's their loss in the end, not mine.

*****************************************************************

I wash my hands of this fiasco, but, not the lessons that I can learn. Together, we worked on breaking down my walls a little bit, and, it has the potential to make me a better person, based on what I do with the lesson. It will be tough, and, will involve a lot of conscious effort on my part, but, as long as I know which way to go, I'm usually pretty good about getting there.

That much I will be grateful to her forever for.

It's time for bed now. Retail still sucks, but, it pays the bills.

Your regularly scheduled post has been pre-empted by stuff and things. Check back on Saturday, when I have time to write the damn thing. Hugs and kisses to you all.